(no subject)

[chelseagirl]

So, I am basically liking life quite a lot lately. It will never be stress-free, and I wish the job offer was a real offer and not a "the provost froze everything but we hope to offer it to you for the spring" thing, and my teaching schedule for the fall is looking more and more insane because I was supposed to have two preps/three classes at two schools and I now have four preps/four classes at three schools . . .

but I am resilient. And finally getting out of my cave and socializing a bit. And LOVING the new apartment and neighborhood.

M. is not. His depression is not lifting, he is complaining all the time when he is awake and sleeping most of the time anyway and he is defensive when I express opinions that are counter to whatever he is thinking/wanting at the moment. He is still in a pet about not having the kind of birthday he wanted, but every time I suggest reaching out to other people he is not only dismissive of my friends, but cruelly so. Even though honestly, only two of *his* choices of people have ever impressed me at all, but for heaven's sake, I would never be rude about it.

And although he is mostly happy with this apartment, he's also not. And it was for ME we moved because it was what *I* wanted; apparently he would have been fine living in the one-room flat for the rest of his life. And he's right that it had more heart than this one, but I'd lived in it for over a decade before he moved in, so that's a big part of why. (And the non-wood floors, and it's noisier, but on the other hand, all the light and the air and the OTHER ROOM. And the terrace!)

And then he'll admit that he's just down about everything and that's why he's so cranky but it's so hard to be patient *all the time.* So right now my stomach hurts and I'm all miserable even though, dammit, I am actually HAPPY but I can't get away from his misery.

Am I a bad person? How am I supposed to deal with this? (And believe me, if I could afford therapy, I'd be in therapy, and I am well aware that sliding scales exist but right now after the move I am getting dunning calls from places while I'm on my reduced summer pay . . . )

Comments

[ibshafer.livejournal.com]

Ah, we were hoping the 'change would do him good' but you know, some people aren't good with change. (Me, for instance.) It strips you of all your comfort zones, gives you new things to get used to.

I know it feels like you've moved and you should be settled in now. You've started to embrace your new neighborhood and living situation, but for M, I think it's going to take longer. I know dealing with his moods and unpleasant (hopefully temporary!) personality quirks is exhausting and damnit, this was for both of you, so why can't he just get on board?, but I think it's just going to take him longer. It's only been a month, right? That's not that long, especially for someone who finds it hard to be happy sometimes.

So sorry you're having to feel that stress, though, because you've been through a lot to get to this place (this physical place), and you have the right to feel good it.

On a side note, I finally had that Daniel Craig/007-a-thon this past weekend (plus a few days) (well, I'm in the middle of Skyfall now), and I'm loving the carry through, the depth of the storyline and the depth of these characters. (And of course, I know what is to come because I've seen it already...) These three movies are the first time 007 has "done" it for me. I went to see the others, because B was into it, and they were entertaining, but quickly forgotten. Craig's Bond is a person. For the first time, we see what makes him tick (and >boom!<) and feel something for him beyond, oh, cool, oh, suave, oh, sexy. I can't wait to see where they go with it, but I'm sad that M is gone because I think having someone else really care about him, tethered him to the real world, to real emotion. Without Vesper and without M? Well, it will be interesting to see. Hope we don't have to wait too long. Thanks again for the lend - I'll return it when you're up.

[chelseagirl.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie.

I mean, Philip Glass is my neighbor. Surely that's enough to . . . I guess not.

Glad the Bonds are holding up for you -- I should watch them all together, only I don't have the second one. ;-)

[ibshafer.livejournal.com]

:)

Yeah, but you know depression doesn't always make sense... (Philip Glass is your neighbor?!)

I would lend you the 2nd, but - Blu Ray. (You're still welcome to it, if you want.)

[chelseagirl.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you hit like on Facebook, I think. Look at the comments on my Philip Glass/dry cleaner post.

[silme.livejournal.com]

Is he still on SSRIs or anti-depressants of some sort? If yes, it sounds as if they may need changing. (I'm speaking from personal experience regarding my own pharmaceutical history.) I think I remember you saying that he has health coverage. Would he be willing to talk with his doctor?

[chelseagirl.livejournal.com]

Yes. They're changing his medication now, and he was warned it might not work right away. I think if this move hadn't come so suddenly, the timing would have been arranged differently.

[cissa.livejournal.com]

I think you are being very kind and generous.

Now, for me- it can take me months to years to accustom myself to a new situation. I hope it is faster for M, and that he can learn to be more gracious during the process.

*hugs* and best wishes to you both.